Would you date me?

So, I am on a couple dating websites, this is no secret. I decided to make a new profile on them, and have included it below because I like it. Questions is: Do all the single ladies (all the single ladies!) say oh oh ohhhhh and put their hands up?

My name is Philip, or Phil. Most people call me Phil, while others call me names they have made up for me over time. People driving too slow in the fast lane in traffic call me crazy, or "an ***hole". Other people, like those too serious or sensitive for their own good, have stopped calling me.

If I checked out your profile, I definitely want to hear from you. The reason I didn't write first is probably one of two things. A) I didn't have time to write because I'm at work and someone needing me to do actual work rudely interrupted me. B) I couldn't think of anything to say other than "Hi, I'm Phil, and you are (have) hot tamales". Which, though clever like a fox, is something that would probably have you teaming up with the people driving too slow in the fast lane.

I think people would describe me as brutally honest, to a fault, if they had to say one thing about me. Why they'd have to say something about me is the real mystery. Perhaps the "held hostage for opinions bandits" have regrouped after their fall from the headlines, a direct response by the media to their inability to come up with a less literal name. I almost never lie, and I rarely if ever bend the truth. This results in a number of reactions. Tears, anger, or nervous laughter…. and sometimes sex. I stay honest for the laughter, of course.

My close friends have been known to warn people ahead of time when meeting me, and I usually like to let people know to never ask me a questions they may not be prepared to hear the answer to.

People consider me funny, if they have bad taste. I am very positive to the point of potentially giving you an aneurysm if you are a cynic. I tell a good story, as long as I have time to prepare before hand, meaning drink wine.

I'm currently working towards my aspirations of not working anymore. I am also trying to come up with other ways of living in irony. Once I'm retired I'll fill my life with travel, flying, sailing, and various other adventures, until I can't afford it anymore. Then I'll live my second dream as an aging homeless vagabond, trying to find something to eat in a small town where I'm not wanted, then bringing Brian Dennehy a war he couldn't imagine. They say anywhere is walking distance if you have the time, and enough shoes.

When I'm not working I'm usually at a cottage, traveling, camping, or out on the town with my group of most excellent friends, most whom I've known my whole life. I've known most of my friends longer than I can remember, because I have a terrible memory.


I dabble in photography, guitar and working out and other trendy and interesting sounding hobbies.

I love food, and everything related to food. Cooking, shopping for ingredients, learning about different cuisines, preferably by eating or preparing them. Even more preferred is having someone prepare them for me, so I get to eat them. Which is an unnecessarily complicated way of saying I like restaurants. I will try pretty much anything once, and most things twice because I have a bad memory.

Chain restaurants pretty much epitomize everything so grossly wrong with society, and the idiocy that encompasses most of it, so it is rare you'll find me at them. I'm more likely to be found at a pretentious little bistro, feeling self-important. This you find shocking, I'm sure.

Other than that I love a good laugh, and my taste in comedy is low brow, the lowest of brow... lower even than Tom Tucker's sons brows, which are, if you know family guy, impossibly low. My limited TV watching is usually based on clips shows and things I don't have to pay attention to for more than 5 minutes at a time. I pretty much stay away from any show that requires me to watch more than one episode to know what’s going on, because I have a bad memory. I think I mentioned that before, but... well you get it.

Get in touch if you are interested since I often forget I'm even on here or can't be bothered to come around because I'm on youtube watching children get the bejeezus scared out of them.