Driving; it can be a relaxing journey, a fun adventure, or a stress inducing Mobile heart attack. Today as I was driving home, a gorgeous red ~1986 dodge neon come whipping up around me. As I admired its beautifully "weathered" body, and temporary spare tire on the front drivers side, I thought to myself: "Wow, what a car!. I wonder what type of fine gentleman is piloting this automobile."
As you might expect, it was a man of class and style unequalled to my eyes for as long as I can remember. He was sporting a very visibly receding hairline, and a long loose tank top that matched the gritty greyness of his teeth. This guy put Leo DiCaprio to shame. If he was a burger patty, he'd be made from 100% pure hunk.
And Boy was he in a hurry! He cut me off, and then later passed an old lady using the center "turn only" lane, jamming the pedal to the grounds and releasing the roar of the beast under his hood! It sounded like he had unleashed a whole bunch of bees in a tin can! the power was simply frightening! That's a lot of exclamations points!
I couldn't be mad at him, I'm no saint behind the wheel, and this guy had obviously had a hard day fucking animals and making child pornography. The massive quantities of rust on his "temporary" spare led me to assume that his original tire had JUST popped and he had to get it changed before it closed. If he didn't he wouldn't be home to beat his wife before she had a chance to make dinner. Nonetheless he was a good pace car so I followed him a little, trying to keep my distance.
Then, another surprise: What did I see before me? An ambulance, sirens blaring, on the opposite side of the road.
Now, because this guy was obviously in a rush driving the way he was before, I figured he'd notice the 2 green lights blaring us both in the face as we passed the accident, and we'd both continue on at our normal pace.
Not so! It appears that the sight of flashy lights instantly hypnotizes animal fucking paedophiles. This hypnotism results in slowing to 20 KM/H while blankly staring slack jawed at the scene, until someone (Me) tries to bring them back to their conscious senses with a polite tap of the horn.
The side effect of being abruptly removed from beastypaedo hypnosis is obviously rage, as I got the middle finger! Imagine! ME! Being a "turn the other cheek" type fellow, I made sure not to hold my own middle finger on the windshield then whip around him as he tried to gun it and prevent me from getting in front.
That would have been "reckless driving" and as you all know I'd never be part of that. BUT If I did do such an awful thing, rest assured I would have gotten around him with ease while hanging a thumbs down as I passed his ass, and he would have yelled things at me that would make sailors (or Ozzy) blush. He then would have backed off like a punk bitch when I let him get beside me to feed him eyes of firey hell and death awaiting. But since I'm "turn the other cheek guy" that stuff would never happen.
The rest of my drive went quite peacefully, and it gave me some time to get started mentally on how I was going share this tale with you all.
I hope you've enjoyed it. And please, don't gawk, or drive shitty cars, or have sex with children on videotape, or animals, or have bad dental hygene or go bald..
Bill, Geoffy... sorry bout that, I know, its not your fault...Sometimes those animals are "acting too damn sexy".
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10 comments:
interesting blog, made me laugh out loud!
karen
What? I'll read this one more time to see if I get the joke....nope...I fuck animals? Granted every guy has worn beer goggles at 1 point...However your Mom ain't no animal...well sometimes. OH! now that's funny.
Classy Smitty. Genuine class all the way. Hahaha.
Ohhh Philp, Philip leave it up to your lovely 'day adventures' to keep us laughing...LOL
& really, you expect me to believe that you 'turned the other cheek'? hmmm i have to stop & ponder on that for just a few minutes...........hmm my conclusions: A) You actually did. & then had to rant all your anger out onto your blog. Two thumb up for that, it was awsome stuff as per usual. or B) You put that lovely hmm 'fellow' in his place..even if it was ever so subtly; haha with that "polite tap of the horn"
Either way ....i hate annoying effers like that..piss the heck outta me!
man oh man... what i wouldn't give to have be in the car with you when you sped by that middle aged asshole giving the THUMBS DOWN! hahaha... im my mind that's how it really happened.
laa dee daa i dont have much of a comment except that that was pretty funny, but made a good point.. ppl often think they are invincible behind the wheel
Do those guys actually have sex with animals?
Yes, I can't speak for my tag team partner but I prefer shaved chickens. (That scene from Devils Rejects comes to mind). However just in case I find out who you are I would keep your dog inside for the next few days...You dumb Hoe.
guys like him are the exact reason for traffic. KEEP IT MOVING!!! It's a road not a gallery!!
Love ur entries Phil!
The grievous head wounds received by two Saskatchewan Mounties in a gun battle last week proved too much to overcome.
Would your really shoot the cops?
"The two fallen officers were five-year veterans. Cameron was the single mother of an 11-year-old daughter and Bourdages leaves behind a nine-month-old son"?
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